Along every pathway there are obstacles to face. The
destination might be clear, but the way of getting there is sometimes foggy and
more treacherous than you expected. But if you keep on the pavement, you’ll
eventually make it.
These past few months have been the absolute hardest in my
life. I left everything I’ve ever known behind in Kansas City, to pursue a new
life in Las Vegas. I left all my family, all my friends, the only city I’ve
ever called home and the comforts that came with that.
I’ve never had to deal with being lonely. I’ve always lived
with other people, whether that was my family or friends. I’ve always had
people close by. I no longer have that. I live alone, where I don’t have family
or friends a quick drive away. At first I enjoyed the time alone. I got to do
what I wanted and just hang out. And sometimes I really do need “me time,” but
too much of it is not a good thing. I think that’s been the hardest part about
being here. I’m a shy person at first and this is a whole new situation where I
have to step outside myself and put myself out there to get to know people. No
one knows me here. I don’t have a reputation in Las Vegas. This can be a blessing
because you’re able to start over completely and be whoever you want to be. But
that scared me. All I’ve ever known is being me and everywhere I went in Kansas
City, I always knew someone who knew someone else who knew me or my family or
friends. Instead of this being empowering and exciting, I’ve allowed it to
scare me and push me back inside my shell… the worst possible thing I could do
to myself. I’ve made small efforts here and then to step out and talk to people
but it’s still just so hard.
Being in a new place brings all sorts of new things but
having lived the same place for 22 years and suddenly being somewhere else is a
strange feeling. I sometimes feel like I don’t live here and I’m just visiting
for a while. I feel like I’m in other peoples’ space and that I don’t belong
here. Don’t get me wrong… I LOVE Las Vegas, but I’m definitely not in Kansas
anymore. It’s been a strange adjustment. I don’t know when it will finally sink
in… or if it ever will.
I’ve had trouble finding a second job. I got hired on
seasonally at a retail store, but I’m only getting a few shifts a week. I’ve
looked all around trying to find somewhere that I could fit in. I just haven’t
found it yet. I’m certain that something great is going to come… I just don’t
know when and I’m not patient enough to sit back and let it happen whenever it
wants to. I want it now! Haha.
Now… the whole reason I came out here was because of the
opportunity I was given to dance. I’m so grateful for that and know that I’m
here for a reason. But I’ve allowed all the other things in my life that aren’t
going the way I planned to affect me in a negative way. I’ve lost motivation
and drive. It got fairly bad… bad enough that I wanted to do something about
it. Last week, I realized how bad it was. I was feeling sorry for myself and
throwing myself a big pity party. What I didn’t realize was that I had
absolutely no reason to feel sorry for myself and that no one was making me
unhappy except ME! So I took some time to reevaluate myself. To really sit and
think about how I’ve shown up and how I’m projecting myself… and I wasn’t happy
with it. I have not shown up in a way that is authentic to who I am and what I
want to be and become. The positive thing is that I realized this before it got
to be too late or before I really screwed things up for myself. I woke up early
Monday morning of this week. I got myself all ready for class and had enough
time to run to Starbucks for a morning hot chocolate and pastry. J I got to class early,
and I was so ready for the day.
Walking into the studio that morning felt different than it had the past
few weeks. I was ready, I was excited and I was happy. All it took was a little
attitude adjustment.
Life here in Las Vegas has not happened how I expected. It
has been rough and very trying at times. But regardless of how things have
panned out, this is not how it always has to be. There are so many
opportunities here and so many things I can learn from. I think my biggest lesson
thus far that I’ve learned is that I can’t feel sorry for myself because things
aren’t happening the way I wanted them to. So I don’t have a really awesome
second job yet… that doesn’t mean I can’t get one. So I don’t have a ton of
friends yet… that takes time. I really had to think about how I was showing up
and what I was doing to make things the way that they were. Some of it is out
of my control to a certain extent. But my attitude was NOT working and I
quickly shifted that.
So if you’re reading this and you’re feeling sorry for
yourself that your life is not what you wanted it to be… I beg you to stop, because
you’re not helping the situation if you do that. Dorothy’s yellow brick road
wasn’t paved in diamonds. There was dirt in the cracks, the path was winding
and exhausting, but she made her way to her destination because she chose to
rise above the challenges that she faced. She did it in style and always found
a way to make whatever she faced work in her favor. And the wonderful this is
that she was never alone. There were people there to support her and encourage
her every step of the way, whether they were standing beside her or thinking of
her from afar. You’re never alone and life is never as bad as it seems.
(Do you like my terribly photoshoped picture? I hoped you would! =P)
